"Disappointment is missed expectations": one of my father's favorite quotes that best explains an uncomfortable experience of late.
My parents, being very rooted in the Baptist religion, have for some time been concerned for my soul. Being raised in the Baptist church, their feelings are understandable and appreciated on my end. I have learned over the past four or five years that it is far easier to accept their concern, attend church on occasion with the family, keep my mouth shut about my doubts and ask "good" questions once in a while to maintain a healthy relationship with the 'rents.
In exchange, there are few judgmental, harsh arguments and the emotional conversations are kept to a minimum. If this happens on purpose, I'm not sure. But I like to think that we had reached an equilibrium.
Notice the use of the word "had."
Scene: I am now working for my father. He owns a business where every employee in the office is openly Christian. Being the wonderful human being that he is (honestly, the person I admire most), he allows the ladies in the office to attend Bible Study Fellowship during work hours.
*Definition: Bible Study Fellowship- A 50 year old organization started by a reputable missionary woman. The study takes one book of the Bible over 6 months and studies it in depth. There are groups all over the world: men's, women's, youth, young adult, etc. that all study the exact same thing. The group meets once a week in small groups to discuss a series of study questions, some directly relating to the Bible passage and some concerning life application. This is followed by a lecture.
My parents have both been doing BSF since I was a small child. In fact, my sisters and I went to BSF with my mom instead of attending preschool. My dad is a group leader and my mother is a children's leader. One lady told me, "you come from a BSF Nazi family!" like it was a good thing...
But of course I digress...
After several tearful discussions with my father about his supreme disappointment that when we both die he won't have one of his best friends (me) with him for eternity, he started bringing up me attending BSF. Not being one for organized religion at all, I told him no. He then went on to explain that BSF is non-denominational and that he has even had men of varying religions (Hindu, Muslim) that simply wanted to study the Bible. He promised that there is no praying except over group meals occasionally, I will never be asked to pray and people aren't allowed to discuss what religion they are or from which church they come.
Being out of school and not having directed learning has been getting to me lately, and I admit I had a weak moment when he brought up the word "study." I told him I would think about it.
We walk into the office and what does Daddy-o say to the very Christian ladies? "Guess what? Jess is going to do BSF with you guys on Wednesday!" Response: "YEY!!! Oh we are so happy!! We've all been praying for you!"
Me: "Dad. Your office. NOW."
Needless to say, I was douped into going to BSF. Dad and I came to an agreement that he would pay for half of my yoga teacher training in February if I go to BSF. So, I've been doubed and bribed. Regardless, I'm going.
I spent all of last weekend catching up since I started two weeks late. I went into last Wednesday feeling prepared and relaxed.
Until I walked into the Circle o' Feelings.
The Circle is homogeniously comprised of white, Christian, married women ages 26 to 40 who either have multiple children or are on the way to having multiple.
The answers that I labouriously prepared all weekend, quoting text from other books of the Bible even, were brushed off with polite smiles while answers relating to how Jesus changing water into wine made one mother feel she needed to change how she dealt with her oldest son who had organizational problems were greeted with applause. This went on the entire time. I did learn a few things from one person who actually worked with the text instead of her feelings. That was nice. One person out of 11. It's a start.
After we went over prayer requests and discussed the upcoming fellowship "where we can get to know each other by sharing how God has changed our lives," I made it back to the office in a dazed mood, got back into my car and started to cry.
I wasn't sad, that's for sure. Probably a little sorry for myself. I was part mad at my father for deceiving me and manipulating me into a situation where I'm completely out of place, awkward, and hardly learning. But most of all I think I was just mad at the women, which I know is not fair. There was one question that I knew upon answering it was a complete and total joke: "How do people show 'false faith' in the present day?" My answer was that the majority of Christians I see go to church on Sunday, decide they are going to heaven and can therefore judge those who, for some reason, they have deemed part of the group not getting in, and lead normal, largly secular lives (other than telling everyone they will pray for them) the rest of the week.
The funny thing is, most of the ladies had similar answers. And they allllll rolled their eyes and openly judged "those people who do that" and then ended with a prayer that started something like, "Oh precious, Lord Jesus God almighty ...." (Why can't you just speak to him normally? Why the show?). It was more than I could take. So, tears.
Anyway, more to come next week I'm sure. Jesus just changed water to wine (we are reading the book of John), so we have a few miracles left and then rising from the dead so it's bound to get better, right?
2 comments:
I have experienced all of this as well. No one asked me to join a BSF, but there were always the overly sweet-hearted persuasions by loved ones. Once I was "old enough," I too felt uneasy about how "good christians" operate in such a pretentious manner. Disgusts me actually and I wish things were different. Good luck with the rest of John.
Interesting entry. It's sad that being you can't be enough.
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